This nights thoughts.

At least, today my feelings have the decency to begin to bother me before I’ve gone to sleep. So besides being thankful for that I figure I write them out of my system now before bedtime and I’ll be able to sleep through the whole night peacefully? Sounds fair, right? It is not my intesion to only write about negativity in this blog. So I must explain that I’m usually never negative and always full of laughs and love along with passion for life and lucky to be alive, but atm it’s that time of the month for me. When it passes so does the less positive feelings in me. Actually, I’m not really that much negative but have this sadness in me, like a cloud is hanging over me. That’s what Ima call my pms, my cloud.

So, alright thoughts, what’s the fuzz this time. You’ve left me all of a sudden, deciding to come back when I’ve gone to sleep? Alright.. there you are. Right now it’s difficult that there’s this distance between my partner and I. Not in heart but physically. I need him close and were so far apart that with work and everything we only see eachother during the weekends. But! Tomorrow though I’m going into the City and he gets off at 3:30pm so he is coming with me to help me buy new shoes. He’s got good taste (actually better than me, he spots what I don’t) so he coming along for advice. Would be nice to sit down with him over a dinner, I wish to make that happen, tomorrow. I’ll probably feel better about this tomorrow, and we’ll see eachother this weekend too, it’s only 2 days to go.

Also, the ex, he’s haunting my feelings and not my mind. I duno my he’s making me sad. Even though he’s not around to do anything to make me sad any more. I want to be healthy and I wasn’t with you, why couldn’t you have been a better person towards me? I hope you don’t treat your current chick as you did me, I wish her better than that. Cause you really knew how to be cruel.

I don’t get why some men can’t just find a woman that’s already everything they want and wish for instead of messing up a woman by a controlling and jealous behavior. Some have just gotten to hurt by love to realize that what they actually have got isn’t anywhere near to break his heart and he destroys it by hurt from his past. That’s basically our story summoned up. You hurt me too much because you couldn’t let my past be in the past and you couldn’t trust me. So ofc it was me who couldn’t trust you in the end. Hurt before you gets hurt, huh? That makes me shake my head and thrust my nostrils. How could anyone feel better from that? I don’t get.. for me doing right makes me feel good. How could you fail to see I was different! Angered by that. You fucked it all up. And I did too by being too confused and too weak by my past, which you also took advantage of playing your sick twisted games of manipulation to the fullest. You got it from your mama, huh. Si.. I talk shit about her. But it’s all truth. You know what they say… Don’t act a bitch if you don’t want to be referred to as one. Gosh, this post really extracted my claws. I hope this is enough to satisfy my needs to write this night because I do really want and need a good nights sleep tonight.

Evolution and The Butterfly Effect

I been wanting to blog a few times over the last 4 or so days but my mind just ain’t it’s normal self full of ponders on universal matters. My heart haven’t been filled with passion for understanding the world as it usually is but been blocked. My mind is somewhat blank and my heart is selfcentered only focusing inwards.

However, one topic is being stubborn, managing to push it self through my thick brain to get written about. And it’s one I’m very fascinated about. Perhaps therefore the consistency. It got energy from a show I watched yesterday on AP called “Weird Nature” which was great btw.

Evolution, is the topic, so interesting. I’ve had so many thoughts about it, the latest this sleepless night; The fact that us humans use our legs more less. Will the fact that we use them less result in by the next step in evolution amongst other possibilities our legs will take another form? Evolution is so interesting to me, so amazing. Weird Nature was not only designed amazingly graphical but also explained human and animal (the most) evolution so great. It is a show I recommend to anyone that is also fascinated by this and want to watch a great film about the topic.

Another thing that’s been on my mind is The Butterfly Effect, no not the move but the theory. It haven’t interested me before recently so I haven’t exactly put any specifics to mind. I know there’s alot about it to be read on the Internet though. However I like the name given to the theory even if a lightweighted small thing such as a butterfly couldn’t make an impact big enough to create a “butterfly effect” simply by a flutter of it’s wings. But ofc, this is such a theory that is true which makes it interesting to me. For truth I live by. Not having read anything about it though, perhaps it is not at all what I imagine. Will look it up when I have a chance.

Thoughts of you.. again.

I couldn’t sleep, why am I not surprised. These last few nights have been nights of staring out in the dark room or closed eyes with images of memories for the most part of one single person. Why do you haunt my nighs? My mind, at all. I haven’t thought of you this intensively for the past two years. So why now. I can’t help to think there is a reason behind it. But the fact that I don’t want to hurt more ends that thought before it goes any further.

I’m just going to go through some logic (less logical) for myself.
You and I both are a born again Christian. We have known eachother ever since I was 14 years old. At that age you said you wanted to be with me but I had eyes on some other man. At the age of 19 we did get together and stayed together for 4 years solid. A turbulent relationship of drugs and abuse mostly verbal. Writing this and remembering what you’ve actually put me through (all the things I will not write) and who I am today I don’t feel that there ever could be any future for us so why am I hurting. Since God is in both of our lives I can’t help to wonder (against all human logics) if He is trying to tell me something. I can’t even imagine you given me any thoughts of that kind, simply as anex long forgotten. I’ve seen you with another woman on numerous occations and as much of a believer you have become, traveling to Africa to spread the Word and living your life accordingly as much possible to the bible, the lady your with if not already is someone you will wife and since being a man of such great belief you will not divorce her. I don’t know what is going on in your life so I can only speculate off from the few things I see and know since before. This is why I wonder- Why are you haunting you mind? I haven’t cared before, and not that I care now, I just can’t get things out of my mind. I don’t care what you do with your life, and I know myself enough to know this. When you haunt my mind at nights, there must a reasonable explanation, it’s simply odd since I been doing so great without you for so long. Maybe it’s just the fact that you’ve been apart of my life for so long and your nowhere in it. I don’t want you as my partner, I think, maybe I just need your presence in the form of friendship? For a couple of years after the break up we were still seeing eachother just not as a couple. We would meet up and have dinner, have a good conversation. But, thing is, at that time you were still hoping I would be more involved with the church and devote my life to Him as you have so that you could marry me. Now you have another woman who’s also devoted as you so I doubt you even think of me. Maybe that were the only reason you stayed around. It was my choice to push you further and further away from me. My choice to push you out of my life. Am I regretting this now? OR, the big OR, does this feeling lie with my pms atm? I just have to wait and see about that. I know pms makes me emotional and stuff. I hope that is the only reason to this. I don’t love you as a partner, but I think I do as a friend. I’m sorry.. that I pushed you away. But I know it was the best for at that time. I had to break free from the chains. I had to get my own life, grow strong and independent. Become happy. I wasn’t, oh I wasn’t. I have to remember all I’ve gained from leaving you. It IS worth so much more. I think I will be ok, I just need to be reminded and have in thought and not forget.. the reason to it all. Feeling much happier I will go back to sleep.