I read an article written by Teo Bartek that somehow stunned me with truth. Going right a personal issue he brought up, I do look for reassurance from my man and not with satisfying results. By not receiving what I need I do in silence question his love for me, then another thing shows me that he does. It can get quite confusing at times. I found his entire post helpful in big proportions. It do explain a lot, I however have one question: Does a man understand through his intellect that he loves a woman? Can he get that through to his heart of can the heart get it through to his brain?
I wish to share this great piece of writing from his site:
Women think that men are shy of commitment, and take too long to express their feelings and commit to a woman. Woman must understand that men are not skilled in the realm of feelings. It is foreign to them…these changing shifting patterns of thought, changing decisions, changing behavior. Men feel very uneasy with feelings.
Women are at home with all these changing, shifting feelings. Many really like to experience emotions. They crave this experience and seek it out. While men run from it.
When a man feels love for a woman, he is not at home with the feeling. At first he may not know that his feeling of love is different from the feeling of lust. In a man’s mind the all feelings blend together. Women are aware of subtle differences in emotions and know clearly what love is.
Men will shy away from expressing a feeling because he is confused. So he pushes the feeling away and tries to act from logic instead of emotion.
This doesn’t turn out well. When a man who expresses feelings intellectually it comes across as insincere and manipulative. He thinks, “ I’ll say ‘I love you’ to make her happy, and to make her like me.” Since the words the man is speaking are not from feelings, but from the mind they appear to be a strategy and woman don’t trust them.
Women trust uninhibited, spontaneous expressions of feeling. Men will try to test their feelings to find out if they are true, so that they can make an intellectual decision.
Men try to add up the pros and cons of a woman by rating her looks, her personality, her emotional stability, and her ability to satisfy him in bed and her value as a status symbol. This masks over the feelings, bringing intellect to the forefront. This makes him less insecure.
When a man starts to judge the woman, most women freak out and panic! Some women buy into this framework thinking. “My nose is too big or my thighs are too fat.” Or she thinks the guy is a total jerk. Either way she allows the man’s framework to define the interaction.
Women don’t need to accept this retreat to the intellect. Successful male-female relationships are based on feelings. Some tips for women:
1. Don’t disqualify yourself. When a man withdraws to his intellect, don’t take it personally. Remember that he is retarded in the realm of feelings.
I had a deep conversation with a woman one time and all of a sudden she turned the conversation to her deep feelings of insecurity about everything concerning our relationship. She felt trapped because___________. She was unhappy because of ____________.
Out poured all these emotions. My first impulse was to run away, because I started to feel very uncomfortable and sensed where this was leading where I didn’t want to go!
But just this once I decided to stay and find out what would happen. She talked and talked. This went on much longer than I expected. I kept getting more and more uncomfortable.
My impulse was to offer a solution to her problem. But every time I tried to suggest something she would somehow dismiss the idea and keep on talking. I realized that she really didn’t want a solution. She just wanted to complain on and on over and over!
She told me she liked the attention. She liked to feel and experience these emotions that had been bottled up for so long. She didn’t want a solution. She didn’t want me to say anything. Just feel for her and with her and give her my emotional support. At the end she was very happy and relieved.
But I was a wreck! I felt very unsettled like I was on shaky ground that was unfamiliar to me. I had a hard time sleeping that night.
This showed me how difficult it was for me to be with her in the realm of feelings. Many men are the same way. We would rather just get out of there when these feelings come up.
2. Women, stand fast on the framework of the interaction with your man as being emotional. He will be uncomfortable at first. But he will feel less insecure if you guide him and give him reassurance. Think of him as a little boy who is frightened. Keep the interaction subjective and emotional. Tell the man, “I feel vulnerable with you. I feel like a little girl around you. You need to treat me like you would treat a little girl, with tenderness.”
3. Don’t look for validation from your man. You will not get it because he is retreating to his intellect. At this point you must stay strong in yourself. If you need some support, talk to a girl friend. Make sure she will be someone who will applaud your good qualities and who is not going to put the blame on your man, saying, ”He is a big jerk.”
If you do any of these things you will be much more likely to achieve a warm loving relationship with your man!
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Ouch. It so doesn’t apply to me that I really feel uncomfortable when it so generalizes about “men”. I am very comfortable with emotions, moreso than my wife perhaps, who is very logical.
Yeah, even though the article do explain so much and do apply to many there still are ofc exceptions. Both me and my partner is a bit of both I think. Although I’m a very emotional person (more than he) yet very logical too I think.
The main difference between men and women is women try to use emotions to rationalize situations and solve problems, which doesn’t work. Men use logic. To many women this seems foreign. I disagree with much of the author’s statements in the article you quoted here and conclude this person in particular is confused and hasn’t been very successful in relationships.
Many men are reluctant of commitment in relationships because they are painfully aware they have very little to gain, and everything to lose. That’s the way the world works these days…
this can be interpreted as…”mean can have sex without the feelings, while women do it in the name of L-O-V-E.”
Hi there, I was just looking at some World Press blogs to see about moving my blog to their site. I’ve had it with Blog Spot aways screwing with me.
Anyway, spotted this story, ha, for nine years I have not met one woman that is interested in a commitment. They’ll date you, screw you, and dump you. So it’s a two way street isn’t it? Take care, hugs.
Although it is by pure chance that I came across this particular blog, I would to thank you for this amazing piece of writing. While not perfect, I felt the overall theme of the article described the relationship between me and my girlfriend with some astonishing clarity.
Indeed I have been confused about relationships and about how our needs and wants differ, but I think it is important to realise that not every woman (or man) just wants to have sex and then break up. There is much more than physical satisfaction to be gained in a relationship; unless your idea of a relationship is trying to hook up, on a Friday night, with the hottest girl at the bar.
While some men and women are different, most men are less comfortable with feelings and emotions than women. That would explain why it so taboo for men to cry in our society. Consequently, I think that men are much less likely to “gain” from a relationship, or to make the relationship work, unless there is an appreciation of the differences between men and women.
come on ladies let’s be real. we give the milk away for free. we are totally or partially confused as to what liberated is. We have sex, live with eachother, let men reap all the benefits of marriage without needing to antie up = getting a real commitment. then to further complicate matters other unhitched loose women lure away the men we are playing house with by appealing to a man’s nature to conquer. we end up giving men the stability, reliability, friendship, companionship, and sex of a marriage – but since there is NO MARRIAGE, the man might justify in his head any side conquests. if we want men to commit we need to stop giving the milk away for free. I for one started to realize that I was guilty of this. When I started moving for the door, out came promises of a plan, etc. it is march 1st. I am promised by July (my bday) he will have a plan in place for marriage and take the next steps. I FELL FOR IT! What he actually did was buy more time to get the milk for free. What I have decided to do is move into a sublet until he has that plan he speaks of to me. no more milk for free ladies.
The piece gives an insight into how men think. From my experience, I think men hide their insecurity by withdrawing without making the woman aware of their true feelings. They don’t seem to be aware that they are affecting their credibility by such actions. Most woman can deal with it if a man expresses his true feelings and will move on with their lives.
…we are all differant-its what makes thing exciting about life.