Thoughts of you.. again.

I couldn’t sleep, why am I not surprised. These last few nights have been nights of staring out in the dark room or closed eyes with images of memories for the most part of one single person. Why do you haunt my nighs? My mind, at all. I haven’t thought of you this intensively for the past two years. So why now. I can’t help to think there is a reason behind it. But the fact that I don’t want to hurt more ends that thought before it goes any further.

I’m just going to go through some logic (less logical) for myself.
You and I both are a born again Christian. We have known eachother ever since I was 14 years old. At that age you said you wanted to be with me but I had eyes on some other man. At the age of 19 we did get together and stayed together for 4 years solid. A turbulent relationship of drugs and abuse mostly verbal. Writing this and remembering what you’ve actually put me through (all the things I will not write) and who I am today I don’t feel that there ever could be any future for us so why am I hurting. Since God is in both of our lives I can’t help to wonder (against all human logics) if He is trying to tell me something. I can’t even imagine you given me any thoughts of that kind, simply as anex long forgotten. I’ve seen you with another woman on numerous occations and as much of a believer you have become, traveling to Africa to spread the Word and living your life accordingly as much possible to the bible, the lady your with if not already is someone you will wife and since being a man of such great belief you will not divorce her. I don’t know what is going on in your life so I can only speculate off from the few things I see and know since before. This is why I wonder- Why are you haunting you mind? I haven’t cared before, and not that I care now, I just can’t get things out of my mind. I don’t care what you do with your life, and I know myself enough to know this. When you haunt my mind at nights, there must a reasonable explanation, it’s simply odd since I been doing so great without you for so long. Maybe it’s just the fact that you’ve been apart of my life for so long and your nowhere in it. I don’t want you as my partner, I think, maybe I just need your presence in the form of friendship? For a couple of years after the break up we were still seeing eachother just not as a couple. We would meet up and have dinner, have a good conversation. But, thing is, at that time you were still hoping I would be more involved with the church and devote my life to Him as you have so that you could marry me. Now you have another woman who’s also devoted as you so I doubt you even think of me. Maybe that were the only reason you stayed around. It was my choice to push you further and further away from me. My choice to push you out of my life. Am I regretting this now? OR, the big OR, does this feeling lie with my pms atm? I just have to wait and see about that. I know pms makes me emotional and stuff. I hope that is the only reason to this. I don’t love you as a partner, but I think I do as a friend. I’m sorry.. that I pushed you away. But I know it was the best for at that time. I had to break free from the chains. I had to get my own life, grow strong and independent. Become happy. I wasn’t, oh I wasn’t. I have to remember all I’ve gained from leaving you. It IS worth so much more. I think I will be ok, I just need to be reminded and have in thought and not forget.. the reason to it all. Feeling much happier I will go back to sleep.

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Welcome

Hi and welcome. This is my journal where I can find a peace of mind. Perhaps teach myself something. I escape here to unwind, cry or complain, or share my joy. Hope you enjoy your stay.

The current mood of mixedpearl at www.imood.com

She

A 27 year old womans attempt to understand herself and the rest of the world. Difficult to explain myself with only a few words, you decide from the words in my journal. I suppose I am trying to find my strength through this so I think I am a bit confused, I'm quite emotional and very loving though I at times may seem very cold.

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A rather new blog but not a new blogger. From Swedish decent, this blog will contain both languages.
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