Blogging bullshit out of my system.

I lack confidence. I am not okay today. I have my own problems and find it difficult at times to lead others ways. People depend on me and I am so fine with that. But at times I’m not doing so well myself and when I’m not okay I can’t be there for people
who expect me to.
Not thinking they wouldn’t understand. I have thoughts, I have questions.. about myself inside. When will it be gone, when am I completely free. How long will it take, I’ve waited 4 years. What can I do to speed it up a little bit. Can I even, these things are too delicate to rush. When will I be able to rush? I wish to rush too. Weak moments, seeking
for myself. Troubled moments, wish to be relieved. Hm, just waiting, attentive to every
change. I wish to hide, gain strenght somewhere in the silence. Unseen, this state gives
me trouble. Wishing for support but only I self truly understand, irritated on less.
Little patience, feeling a little eruption of trouble deep inside. Confusion, tired, headache…
Annoyance, irritated, boiling… Surviving, not thriving. Feels childish, embarassed for this
moment but at the same time I know that it’s OK. It’s not like it’s the dominant behaviour in me, only temporary. Due to circumstances. Feels lonely, is it okay to cry? I haven’t cried in so long, haven’t been in need of anyones support in ages it seems. Only surfaced ones, this ones deeper. Eating me a bit. Gosh.. could this be insanity? Laughs a little,
silently, inside. Creates a lil smile. The need one have to write bullshit, to feel free, sain
again. To be able to move on, smoothly, silently. Without fuss. To be able to smile soon again. Keeping the misery to my self. The need to be strong, outwards, sometimes
almost demands it. I feel ugly; I think other peoples problems have got to me a bit, I’m
not one to have destructive thoughts. Why can’t people in my presence get a hold of them selves, clean their act up, stop being so selfish, think about the people who actually have to stand their complaints. Selfishness, use a journal, write, instead of laying your troubles
on others so much. There is such thing as “normal” troubles, only share them, I don’t want to know much else. I don’t need it, even if I’m your friend, even if I care, I don’t need it. It’s hard for some to understand. Some don’t see that line, of what is OK and what is not. I need to stay around sain people, before I lose it too. I can’t have these moments, why should I have any moment of torment that I haven’t created myself. Why burden
others, why not instead be a fun friend. You become what you fill your mind with, doesn’t everyone get that. Why fill it with negativity, why do that to your self. And others. Why not be productive, instead of a burden. Who has the time, who has the energy. Selfpitty is worthless. Really worthless. Be a blessing, not helpless.


4 Responses to “Blogging bullshit out of my system.”

  1. 1 mrdeadworry October 16, 2006 at 5:08 pm

    I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling well and that you have had to be there for someone else that is in a weekend state. You are their friend, however. That is the true strength of a friend. To be there for someone else no matter how hard it is for you. Take pride in your strength to deal with the situation. You should be brimming with confidence just because you can deal with the problem and not go insane. And you have support, granted a couple of old, tired words on a page is all I can muster,but, here it is for the taking. I am sure we are all here reading and thinking about you through out the day, taking comfort in the fact there is someone out there that makes us feel. Feel for someone else besides ourselves. We help to share your burden by reading your words and sympathizing with you. You are not alone, at least not in the blogging realm. So I am wishing you well and trying to share your sadness and loneliness removing them to a place far away.

    I wish I had time to write more but I am at lunch and it is time to go back to work.

    I like the new look. Dark and brooding. Although the links to read the rest of the story is rather cumbersome.

  2. 2 solelyshe October 16, 2006 at 5:26 pm

    So sweet. Thank you for your kind words, they made me feel better.

  3. 3 asianfever October 17, 2006 at 9:08 am

    you make me proud, u allways been there for me for a loong time now, even tho i have some issues..u atleast try when u ahev the strenght, adn i honor u for that…but i have allso notice when u aint feeling well and at that point i am unsure what to do..i try allways be there for u to, but also leave some space..and not talk about my own stuff with u, just try be there when u need me and hopefully u tell me whats wrong and so if u want my help..well u know me i lvoe ua dn will allways be there ..probebly dig my nose in to stuff u dotn wnat me to..but i mostly do that without knowing what i do..a bit clumsy…

    love u sweet..hopefully u feel better soon and we both go hand in hand to a thai resturang again..=)

    if i get some money we could do soemthign fun or go buy me and u something beautiful…i love seeing u in beautiful clothes..=)

  4. 4 solelyshe October 17, 2006 at 10:21 am

    thank you mike.

    I must tell you.. it’s difficult when a friend don’t know what to do, and you have to tell them. What helps most is when someone knows exactly what to do.

    Thouth I have no answer, no sulotion, it’s a dead end there.

    Luv ya too Mike.. looking forward to it.

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Hi and welcome. This is my journal where I can find a peace of mind. Perhaps teach myself something. I escape here to unwind, cry or complain, or share my joy. Hope you enjoy your stay.

The current mood of mixedpearl at


A 27 year old womans attempt to understand herself and the rest of the world. Difficult to explain myself with only a few words, you decide from the words in my journal. I suppose I am trying to find my strength through this so I think I am a bit confused, I'm quite emotional and very loving though I at times may seem very cold.

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A rather new blog but not a new blogger. From Swedish decent, this blog will contain both languages.
October 2006
« Sep   Nov »

Keep my net



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