Archive for the 'personal' Category

Dead end.

To be real, I believe I drive every new person I meet off. I think I am that much different in behaviour than most and what they expect and/or are use to. Not saying that I act real freaky or odd, I just think I speak a different language. They don’t get the reaction from me that they are use to. I think I’m different because I have other priorities, so ofc my way of life (thinking) is what I present into my way of being. I think that they think that I’m weird, because I don’t fall under the category “normal”. Thinking further.. it’s not that I’m abrupt or cold but I don’t respond to that simple thing of small teasing with a giggle and a joke back as many expect cause I just don’t find that to be something I am interested in. Perhaps by not responding in that way they think of me as boring. But as I wrote, I just have other priorities. Guess it’s easy to say that I’m not an easy flirt, from somes points of views. I do not wish to change, I want to be who I am, I am comfortable this way. But I don’t want to drive 97% of strangers away either. Dead end perhaps.

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a short update.

I have my feelings under control more than I have ever had. Suppose that also has to do with some sort of confidence, something that doesn’t need reassurance anymore. Also hence less need to write in my journal more private things. I’m on unfamiliar grounds but one that do feel oh so good to me.

Change.

I do not recognize myself. Wondering if this happens to most. I knew that ofc we change by everything we see and hear but this huge change feels ridiculous. Won’t go into specifics. I kind of miss myself. I am unsure by this, confused. Which means I’m not so strong. A bit of me is kind of curious. Where this will take me. If it’s of good or bad to me.

Knowing one thing though. I make a stop by the computer too often. I think too much.

To Dwell.

So many thoughts. It feels like a time in my life that’s full of dwells. But for what, why do I dwell. Why not leave it behind. Why get stuck, why do this to myself. I believe that dwelling is about the need to give roots to that which is dwelled on. That what ever circumstances makes things unsure, the roots gets pulled up and we need to dwell for a while to get it back in place and rooted again.

The need to vent.

Some people are too wrapped up in what feels good at the moment to actually stand on something and back something that is of value to the world as a whole. Neutralism is even better than that. I am not suggesting that every person is not entitled to a belief of his or her own. However when it is of destructive nature and they deny it because of convenience is really sad. Quite pathetic, and even though we were all designed to be different inside ourselves (hence the attraction to others) it is wrong to have any stand that is of hurt to others. I feel sort of helpless when I come across any person who’s like that. The feeling that you experience when you wish to do something about a problem but you really can’t. It is wrong to speak bad to those who have peoples best intent at heart. Everyone cannot be satisfied and for the sake of the people here on earth and the earth it self we have to be on the “good side”, how ever ironic that may sound. For we have to see the world as a whole and work out from that thrive and to continue to thrive. Every individual with ideas that are selfish simply cannot have a spot light. Life would be easier if we all got that, huh (the perfect life). Life isn’t perfect and it never can be because everyone is an individual, but let’s work towards things that are of good at least. And never do give any power to those who only do see their own moment instead of the whole. What sadens me even more is that everyone does not understand this. But instead laughs at it and continues to hurt others because or selfishness.

I am bother by things at this time in my life. Perhaps I am extra sensitive atm. But Thank God for online journals. Also all ignorance out there in the world is bothering me. Things seemingly so simple that people do not understand. How nice wouldn’t it be to have a private island to escape the madness at times. I really do wonder how some minds function some times. Sometimes it seem not at all. Step out from your life at times, hover above to get the full picture.
When you know that you are not living too well it’s time to change.

Pressures.

Being pressured isn’t a favorite thing of mine. It do me bad even though the pushier may believe it is a good thing. Everyone do not fall under the same angle of approach. A being of such complex as myself (I admit) doesn’t fall under the general rules.

When I have to explain things to someone of this nature (telling someone how to actually approach me) I lose interest immediately. If it don’t come natural it isn’t meant to be. Everyone do/can not get along, get that Solelyshe. I can’t help that someone is making moves that I don’t find interesting but shall I smile at what really deep inside doesn’t satisfy me? No. Shall I change for this something? No. Shall I act interested when I am not? No. For I do not enjoy being fake. That is lowering myself to someone elses standards and I shouldn’t do that.

Pressures, I can’t take them. It is not right to pressure either. Leave hints, but do not pressure. If you truely want to show someone something then don’t make them run away, for that is what pressures do. The best intents can scare someone away if not treated cautiously. Much are too delicate to rush.

Pressures makes me feel trapped and it is giving me difficulties to breath. I break free from traps and run miles away from them and does not look back.

The Return.

I didn’t expect it to return. The images before my closed eyes.

Why are they back. What made them come back.

In the midst of falling asleep the obsession made me twist and turn
until I felt I couldn’t take it anymore and had to open my eyes and
get out of the bed which felt like a prison.
Relieved  to stand up but mad that this should decide if I would sleep or not.

Didn’t you know you’d give your daughter nightmares for the rest of her life.
Make her twist and turn out of disgust and forever be on her run.
One can’t run away from what’s inside.
You cursed me.

We don’t scar the ones we love.
Which leads me to believe in something that your sister (my aunt) once told me.
You were hurt badly yourself as a child.
So why did you hurt me, if you knew the pain.
You couldn’t help yourself?
You didn’t love me?

Yet, why have they returned. I did great for a while.


Welcome

Hi and welcome. This is my journal where I can find a peace of mind. Perhaps teach myself something. I escape here to unwind, cry or complain, or share my joy. Hope you enjoy your stay.

The current mood of mixedpearl at www.imood.com

She

A 27 year old womans attempt to understand herself and the rest of the world. Difficult to explain myself with only a few words, you decide from the words in my journal. I suppose I am trying to find my strength through this so I think I am a bit confused, I'm quite emotional and very loving though I at times may seem very cold.

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A rather new blog but not a new blogger. From Swedish decent, this blog will contain both languages.
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